


Bearing the weight

by mattea1



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 09:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13187376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattea1/pseuds/mattea1
Summary: Emma Swan is in what should be one of the happiest moments of her life and all she can focus on is the weight of the large ring resting on her left hand.





	Bearing the weight

It’s too heavy. 

It’s what should be one of the happiest moments of her life and all she can focus on is the weight of the large ring resting on her left hand. 

Everything fades around her, her vision narrowing until all she sees is the reflection of her eyes in its glimmering surface. There’s a look in them she cannot name. It’s been present for the last few years, but every time she think’s she’s close to recognizing what is hidden within her something comes along to distract her once again. 

Pan kidnapped Henry. A snow queen terrorized the town. The darkness came for Regina.

It’s too heavy.

When she feels rough fingers under her chin, lifting her eyes from the cold rock to a waiting face she pushes the question once again from her mind and forces a smile. This face across from hers, the man for whom she risked so much, nodded and gave his familiar smirk. He turned away, shepherding her toward Granny’s where he began announcing to all those present the news of their betrothal. 

When she looked up again she caught Snow’s eyes. For a second they mirrored her own, full of that unrecognizable emotion, before morphing into a happiness so fake even the dwarves gave her questioning looks. Charming’s plastic smile did nothing to ease the lump of dread forming in her gut. But they refused to drop the façade. Instead, two sets of arms eased around her back, pulling her into a brief but firm hug. 

When she lifted her arms to reciprocate the light caught the diamond causing her to quickly step away from the somewhat-comforting embrace. 

It’s too heavy.

That night as the moon rose above the town she slowly spun the band across her digit while listening to the soft snores from the body next to her. Sleep refused to offer her an escape. When the sun peaked above the horizon she threw on a pair of jeans, a tank and her beloved red jacket and drove to the station. If she can’t sleep she might as well be productive. After all, Regina would be waiting for her completed incident reports following the string of break-ins caused by some juveniles over the weekend. 

Oh God. She had to tell Regina.

Red stopped by around noon with a takeout bag full of her favorite grilled cheese. Emma was lifting a gooey crust to her lips, pulling off an almost convincing smile as Red tilted the ring to catch the light when she heard a gasp from the door. 

Fear, anger, sadness and then that unnamable emotion flittered across Regina’s face before being replaced by a mask so thorough even Emma struggled to see past it. If it wasn’t for the tenseness of her shoulders and her slightly uneven breaths Emma would surely have believed her when she said she was happy for her. Before she could ask how she truly felt, Regina spun and darted out of the room, claiming she had forgotten about a 12:30 meeting. 

She must’ve had the look in her eyes again because when she turned back to her untouched sandwich Red stared and stared and stared before softly sighing and whispering her name. 

The hug she found herself in did nothing to ease the ache that suddenly had set up home in her chest. After Red left, Emma slid slowly to the floor absentmindedly spinning the diamond and wondering why she had never noticed the cracks in her soul before. A tear slid down her cheek and landed on gold band.

It’s too heavy. 

Sleep evaded her again despite her sudden exhaustion. The next day was even less productive than the one prior as she fielded dozens of calls from well-wishers and spent hours chasing after an escaped Pongo. 

Rather than returning home to her betrothed she found herself on a stool at Granny’s, pushing fries across an untouched plate. It wasn’t until a hand grabbed hers that she looked up, confusion marring her features when she realized the diner was empty, that Red had flipped the sign to closed nearly an hour prior. 

An apology died on her lips as Red held up her hand and ran her fingers through her long, dark locks. Shaking her head, she eyed Emma as if she were searching for something in her tired eyes. When she sighed again, Emma realized whatever it was she didn’t find it. 

Instead, she simply poured a shot, slid it across the bar, left the tequila on the counter and told her to turn out the lights when she was done. Before Emma could blink, she was gone.

Eyeing the nearly full bottle, she looked to the empty seat beside her and thought back to the strange, but oh-so-comforting night she shared drinks with her son’s mother in this exact spot. A smile crept onto her face before the image changed. This time when she closed her eyes all she saw was Regina’s face at the station. Suddenly, the tequila seemed like a great idea.

When she woke it was to the sound of whispered voices in her kitchen. Sliding out of bed she tiptoed to the door realizing her son and mother must have stopped by to check up on her when she missed their weekly breakfast. She reached for a pair of discarded sweatpants and began to walk through the door when the whispered sentences finally registered, freezing her instantly as she struggled to make sense of what she was hearing. 

Snow sighing that choice sometimes could be more important than gambling on True Love. That Emma had chosen and if they loved her they had to let her choose, had to let her be free. Henry mumbling something about living with idiots and that settling was the choice of cowards.

She’d heard enough and the conversation came to an abrupt end when she stumbled down the stairs, loudly announcing her presence. Two fake smiles greeted her, though Snow’s seemed laced with motherly concern as she held out a cup of coffee and two aspirin. 

Moments later Hook came barging in, carrying flowers and demanding they set a date so he could start planning a honeymoon. He kissed the ring on her left hand and she wasn’t sure if she could blame the sudden bout of nausea on the hangover or the way the band seemed to dig into her flesh. When she grimaced and ran out door only one thought rang through her throbbing head.

It’s too heavy. 

It was Red who ended up telling her about the effects of pixie dust in liquor. Straight tequila simply wasn’t cutting it anymore after two weeks of dreams filled with cages and pain-filled chestnut eyes. 

But the dust? Oh the dust changed the game. Mix a sprinkle of pixie dust in a tumbler of whiskey and suddenly everything was numb. Her head wasn’t telling her to run. Her heart wasn’t longing for something fate was determined not to let her have. Her dreams were blissfully empty. 

And for once, her hand didn’t feel as if it were carrying the weight of a ship on one tiny finger. 

Soon she had boxes of the stuff stashed throughout her home, in the trunk of her car and even in a flask hidden within her boot. She was numb and for the first time nearly a month that ever-growing ball of despair in her gut didn’t seem like such a burden. 

And when that hauntingly beautiful set of chestnut eyes raked over her barely conscious form with such depths of pity and understanding it only took one more swig to push the last threads of emotion away and slip into a peaceful sleep.

Unfortunately, all magic comes with a price. Pixie dust, it seems, can stay present in your bloodstream long after the alcohol has run its course. Even while sober, Emma began to have difficulty feeling any breadth of emotion. So when Hook drug her to their engagement party she simply stared and stared and stared watching the light as it danced across her golden hair, down her silk dress before exploding into thousands of tiny rays on her hand. 

When she watched Regina lean into Robin’s touch in a corner she realized her normal sharp pang of resentment had dulled to a minor throb. For a second she convinced herself this was better. But then she made eye contact with her queen and saw that familiar emotion locked deep within her orbs. 

A small part of her ached to find out what that look meant, to find out why a life of feeling nothing seemed so ideal. But the crowd let out a cheer and Hook brought a glass to her lips and soon it was hard to remember where she was let alone what she was searching for in a set of soft eyes.

Another month of nothingness passed when she began to register there was a persistent knock at her door. Lifting her head from its heavy position on the table she slowly sat up, debating on whether it was worth the effort to walk across the room and welcome her guest. That decision was made for her as the door burst open. Purple tendrils keeping it from crashing to the floor as Regina angrily strode into the room. 

Before Emma could blink she was before her, wrapping two glowing hands around her head and muttering that she going to ensure she wasn’t the only one who would to feel this. 

Liquid heat poured into her bloodstream and the ever-present fog that had so conveniently cushioned all of her senses was obliterated. 

This time when she recognized the hurt and sorrow in the eyes staring back at her she felt it echoed in her core. The weight of her ring seemed like a wall between her and the only person outside of her son whose happiness she wanted so desperately to protect. 

Sharp nails digging into her shoulder ripped her back to reality as she watched a whirlwind of emotions dance across the eyes that haunted her dreams. 

“You don’t get to do this,” Regina spit. “You CHOSE this. You don’t get to deny this thing between us exists and then refuse to at least try to be content in your so-called ‘happy ending.’ You don’t get to give up. I played along Em — I tried, but I can’t…” 

There it was again. That emotion that Emma had danced with for years. As Regina clenched her fists it suddenly clicked. It wasn’t sadness or anger. Those, though powerful, carried with them a sliver of hope. Sadness and anger meant the person was still in the fight, still cared enough to allow themselves to feel. 

The sentiment shared by her family, her best friend and even herself was one far more terrifying. They’d all stopped fighting. Instead, they’d spent the last few years allowing one emotion to dictate every decision they made. Resignation. 

“You CAN’T ask me to pretend like everything is okay when you’re obviously in pain. You vowed to bring me my happy ending, you do not get to rob yourself of yours,” Regina said, oblivious to the sharp inhale from the woman in front of her. “You’re a hypocrite, you’re an idiot and you’re a goddamn coward and if you thi —“

“It’s too heavy,” Emma breathed out in a rush, eyes never leaving those across from her. “I didn’t know why, it should feel right, he should be right. But you knew, didn’t you? You all knew. But I thought… You had Robin and then you didn’t. But I had Hook and then you had Robin again and I thought… I knew. But what if I was wrong? I couldn’t lose you Regina. What if I was wrong? So I smiled and he put it on and oh God it’s too heavy. I can’t.”

A soft thumb gently brushed away the tears falling down her face. A hand cradled her cheek and a shaky breath caressed her lips as Regina pulled her into her arms.   
Emma broke. 

Sobs wracked her chest as Regina slowly rubbed her hand up and down her back. As she began to calm, Regina’s hand drifted to her arm, caressing the seam of her shirtsleeve as it traveled down and down before skimming softly across her palm. 

She raised Emma’s fingers to her lips, gracing them with a soft kiss before gliding them back toward the other hand, resting them firmly upon the cold band. 

“You chose this Emma, you agreed to this ending,” Regina said. “This is your story. The final chapter isn’t written and none of us will write it for you. So decide what will make you truly happy and choose.” 

For a long moment neither woman breathed as Emma stared at the ring she’d been wearing for months. Two pale fingers wrapped around its sides as she pulled it free and placed it on the table beside her. 

When she looked up and was met with Regina’s gentle smile she thought for the first time since entering Storybrooke that maybe a Happily Ever After was in her future after all.


End file.
